She didn’t enter into make-believe to escape. Escaping would have meant a world of hardship and pain. That wasn’t it. She just simply wanted a place of imaginary friends. Beauty. Springtime. Tea Parties. Companions. When the homemade stuffed rabbit went to live with St. Vincent De Paul, nobody noticed but her. But, it was her best friend. Her sisters were wonderful, but she was the odd one out. Plus, in that world, she tried to be the Mother. There’s no room to be a mommy of real children, in a child’s world of imaginary play.
This child would have to unlearn how to be boss, if she wanted to regain her wonder and imagination. Such is how it is often with the oldest in any large farmily.
It’s ironic that sometimes, because we have the best of intentions, we get even more, and more dogmatic upon ourselves. She didn’t want to live in a world of black and white. Let her have the color.
If I could go back to visit six year old me, I would tell her to enjoy her imagination. To keep using it, and cultivating it. To keep staying in awe of the beauty around her. I would tell her to calm down and enjoy the moment. I would also hug her and tell her that God will guide her into his best plans for her. And that everything is going to be ok, even when things are hard.
Thinking about that person, that was me, makes me reflect on my own children. Ways that I did and didn’t fail them. How being entrusted with their sweet souls to steward was, has been, and still is, one of the greatest and hardest joys of my life.
Childhood is a fleeting moment. You think it’ll stick around for a long time, because the days of raising babies just kind of morph together. All these changes are happening so gradually, but marching onward, oh-so steadily.
If I could go back and say anything to myself in my 20’s (when I had the majority of my babies).. I’d say this; “Be their young and energetic mother, but enter into their world more. Give them space to be their own person, have their own dreams, and failures, but don’t be so busy or consumed that you can’t take the time to notice. Just pause and breathe in the beauty of their living and unique souls. Stay close and physically and emotionally available to them. Stay sensitive. If something “feels off”, it’s probably because it is. Don’t be naive, but don’t smother them in fear either. Ask God to guide you in it. He’ll show you how to lead, love, and teach them.”
All of that, can be easier said than done.
I don’t know if it’s this way for everyone, but for me it was a straight fact that nothing forced me more into being kinder to myself than Motherhood. Nothing pulled out my repressed emotions more than eight shiny mirrors looking back at me. All the parts of me that I tucked away, because they weren’t neat or tidy to deal with, came crawling up to the surface. It’s a gift, because I don’t want to be weighed down by lies, untruths, or half-truths that I was believing about myself and life in general. Those things were affecting me, and nothing would expose it more effectively than poop diapers, stubborn toddlers, belligerent willful children, and one darling daughter leaving us all behind.
At your baby shower it doesn’t say on the cake, “Congratulations! Now you get to Mother yourself!”. It just says “BABY”. It’s the beautiful, generational, invitation to allow ourselves as the Mommy, to also be tended to and loved by the amazing and wonderful God of the entire Universe! As things and struggles come, we are simultaneously doing the best to supernaturally try to love another completely separate soul, outside of our own bodies. We have the opportunity to be helped by, united with, and loved on, by the one who made both you AND your child. When the head finally hits the pillow, and the crying has ceased, we can rest knowing that all of our concerns and shortcommings are being tended to by the one who actually has the power to orchestrate changed hearts, and mountains moved. The irony isn’t lost in the fact that a Mother’s to-do list is never completed. Yet, what were Jesus’ final words as he hung on the cross dying for us? “It is finished”.
By myself, I am incomplete and uncertain. But with God’s hand on me, and me not trying to run from him, I am safe and secure.
Maybe her little imagination wasn’t searching for, or stuck in, make-believing and fairy taling? Maybe all along it was God himself, in-truth, waiting for, calling to, and reaching out….
So that she could truly have, love worth finding.
1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your cares on him, because he cares for you.